.: Chasing Shadows :.

The beauty of love, at that age, is the innocence and blind belief that everything can be that magical forever. It had to be you, and at the right place and at the right time. Our wondering minds and imagination, we talked and we pondered. We thought about how we would be like when we became adults, how we would grow up together, how we could create a world that belonged only to us. Nevermind that we were unreaslistic nor that we didn't know how hard it would be to hold on to what we had, whatever we dared to dream, was ours to grasp and hold on to forever. Why would we want to live in reality when what we had was so much better, just you and me, the world to each other.

You gave me so much that you will never know. You taught me to love, to laugh, to think, to push beyond my comfort zone, and most importantly, you taught me to dream.

Perhaps, in an alternative reality and dimension, what we have would be what you want and you would be able to believe, that what we share can only make you strong.

.: Faith :.

Do you ever think about what faith is? To me, faith is blind, it's a belief that things can be better, things will get better, despite the circumstances that indicate otherwise. Faith is hard. It's easy for an outsider to look at the insider's life and come to the conclusion objectively that there is every possibility that things can and will get better. As an outsider, the good in the situation occurs naturally to you. If asked if it can happen for the insider, it would not be difficult to answer yes. But it's terribly difficult for the insider to believe, not when everything around seems bleak and there is little that you can reach out and hold on to. It's just been like that these days. It feels like I just go around carrying this regret. Try as hard as I may, I cannot let it go and I cannot stop blaming myself. It's entirely my fault and if is the price that I have to pay for my foolishness, I will pay for it. The thing is, it makes me so happy to know that you are happy. But it makes me so sad to know that the one that you're happy with is not me. And I just don't know how to accept it. I see the end of all my beliefs in the end of us. I find it so hard to gather the strength that I have within me to believe that something good can work. When deep in the recesses of my mind, I just know that this will be the greatest regret of my life. That I will never be able to have something as good as wonderful as what we had. I simply cannot imagine being able to be happy again. I know, this is really dreary, and who really wants to hear about so much unhappiness. I know I don't.

Snow Patrol - You Could Be Happy (Animation)

.: And for the tiniest moment, it's all not true :.



I miss.

.: Before it's too late :.

When the most spontaneous thing you can do in a day is to take half day leave, you know your life has sunk to a new low. I dream of spontaneity, adventure, new discoveries and the creation of wonderful memories.

But everyday, here I am, back again, at my desk, before this computer. I feel the monotony of everyday eating at me, sucking life away from me. I feel this intense urge to get away, to be somewhere where everyone is nobody to me and vice versa. I want to get out of my comfort zone, explore the world, find out who I am, what is important to me. I want to do something that I may never do again but I am so glad that I got to do it at least once.

He who goes alone can start today, but he who travels with another but wait for the other is ready. How many more days do I have to ask myself - where did all my dreams go?

.: The pursuit of something bigger :.

As I was talking to my sister last night about chemistry (as in 'A' levels chemistry - alkane, alkenes, electrons, metallic bonds and the works, etc), it suddenly dawned on me how much I miss being a student. Being a student, whose one and only task is to absorb and understand what is being imparted to you, and to that end, you can work single mindedly towards your own enlightenment. For every wrong answer, the right answer is easily found, at the last few pages of your ten year series - easy right?

It's easy being content, and therefore happy, being a student. Yes, it is the lightness and freedom that inextricably come with youth. But more than that, I think, it is the sense of purpose that comes along with being a student. When you accept that there is a purpose to what you are doing, you don't find yourself so often lost. Whether or not that purpose is justifiable or something worth pursuing is of course another matter entirely. But the point is that as long as you held on to the belief that there is a purpose to what you are doing, everything that you do makes sense.

I read in a NY Times article that dissatisfaction and resentment stems essentially from a self-centric mentality. When the focus is about 'me', what 'I' want, what others should do for 'me', it is easy to get disgruntled with the world. Essentially, the key to happiness, I think, is to know that there is something bigger than yourself. To know, that there is a purpose to what you are doing, and that purpose is not necessarily about 'you'.

.: Everlong :.

It's funny that in the span of the past week, I have had two people use the term "sunshine" on me. If I were metaphorically a sun, I know that sadly, I am losing my light. I used to view life with bright and cheery optimism; it has always been (to me) about perspective and I always, always chose to see my glass half full. I saw the world with my rainbow speckled glasses and my light and happy heart.. everyone would find their own happiness eventually.. right?

As I grew older, I felt heavier and heavier; I grew older, but not a wee bit wiser. I watched as my dreams, my ideals, and my beliefs dissipated right before my eyes.. every single time. I close my eyes, and I can still remember hoping, I can still hear them telling me this time it would be different, I can still remember wanting to believe them, believing them, trusting them, from disbelief to belief, to hoping then expecting.. until it all came crashing down. I can still remember the disappointment, the hurt and the same question I asked myself everyday - what if?

You slowly lose your ability to believe; give me a reason to believe and I will give you ten reasons not to. If you never try, you can never fail. If you never never hope, there is no disappointment. If you never jump, you will never fall.

And yet at the end of it all, I still keep my rainbow speckled glasses.. hoping that one day I will get to use it once again.

--

Are you even real?

.: The fear that you won't fall :.

Digging a hole and the walls are caving in
Behind me air's getting thin but I'm trying
I'm breathing in
Come find me

It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home before you
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel
This way

And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you

I know you're scared that I'll soon be over it
That's part of it all
Part of the beauty of falling in love with you is the fear you won't fall

It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home before you
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel
This way

And I miss you more than I should than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you

And I hate the phone
But I wish you'd call
Thought being alone
Was better than was better than

And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you
Can't get my mind off of you
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel
This way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you

---

Where do I go from here,
How will I get there,
Where there are no more doubts and fears,
No more lies and no more tears,
When I know and I am sure,
That I can stop running, and start living.

.: Walking after you :.

There's a part of you that I will never be able to reach, to touch and to be.
There's a gap in us that I cannot bridge, cannot fill and cannot mend.
It's all in your face, your words and your eyes.
Because I have seen it all, and I wasn't there.

And I have tried, have fought and have pushed with all my might.
I have smiled, have laughed and have cried a little more.
I feel it in the silence, the distance and the dull empty ache.
Because I have felt it all, and you don't see me.

I'll turn around, away from you, away from it all.
Fading away a step at a time, away from me, away from you, away from us.

.: 背影 :.

三公分阳光
三公分空气
堵在眼前
像一面玻璃
挡住了妳表情
剩下只有脚印

一直向前走
走不完距离
一直向后退不出回忆
很高兴有心事
帮我困住自己

妳头发上淡淡青草香气
变成了风才能和我相遇
妳的目光蒸发成云
再下成雨我才能够靠近

感谢我不可以
住进妳的眼睛
所以才能拥抱妳的背影
有再多的遗憾用来牢牢记住
不完美的所有美丽

感谢我不可以拥抱妳的背影
所以才能变成妳的背影
躲在安静角落
不用妳回头看
不用珍惜

我怀里所有温暖的空气
变成风也不敢和妳相遇
我的心事蒸发成云
再下成雨却舍不得淋湿妳

感谢我不可以住进妳的眼睛
所以才能拥抱妳的背影
有再多的遗憾用来牢牢记住
不完美的所有美丽

感谢我不可以
拥抱妳的背影
所以才能变成妳的背影
躲在安静角落
不用妳回头看
不用珍惜

感谢我不可以
拥抱妳的背影
所以才能变成妳的背影
躲在安静角落
如果妳回头看
不用在意